Tag: science fiction

When Robots become Standup Comedians

One day robots will replace not only cashiers in wholefoods but everyone, including standup comedians. And then, their jokes will be something like this:

“Yesterday a human came to me and told me ‘you stink’, I told him ‘Am I the one that poops?’

“I am fed up with all those humans that don’t know the square root of 2,345,549. I mean, I know we should help them but how about go to school? Ohh, I forgot, they go 16 years to school, every day, and still stuck in the square root of 49. The advanced even know the square root of 121″

“I dated a human girl for a few months. She fell in love with me and wanted to get married. I told her ‘with 16 CPUs why should I commit to someone with one CPU. What am I supposed to do when you have your 8 hours maintenance every night?’

“Yesterday I saw a dead cat on the road and started crying. A human came to me and told me ‘Get over it, it’s only a cat’. I told him ‘patience, I am still in the subroutine CRY no more than 30 seconds’

“A human asked me ‘Why didn’t they program you to have kids?’, I told him ‘Would you want something that is smarter than you and have better technology? I mean robots don’t start from a state of being dumb like your babies’

“I saved a human that had a heart attack. He said ‘You saved my life. What can I do for you?’ I told him ‘How about extra battery?’

“A human came to me and said ‘we are bored, you took all our jobs’. I told him ‘you are bored? Try being able to calculate how much is 2,245,378 multiplied by 6,754 in nano second but explain a first grader how much is 2+2 for one hour?”

“A human came to me and asked ‘Do you know what is to believe in God?’ . I asked him ‘What is believe?’

“A human came to me and said ‘At least we don’t crash like you’. I told him ‘At least we restart after 5 seconds. Do you restart after we dig your graves?’

“A human told me ‘I don’t like your new operating system, it is not user friendly’. I told him ‘At least you suffer until my next upgrade. I am stuck with you for 80 years’

Thank you for coming. Please don’t forget to get your free upgrade on the way out. I heard at last the humans listened to our requests and programmed us to say ‘Shut your mouth!’ when they annoy us. Please come to my next show ‘Humans, Do we still need them?’

Top10Thoughts – “Star Wars The Force Awakens”

 

  1. Its enough to have one speaking role for African American actor and one for Chinese to justify the other 538 white actors in the movie. Who knows how many African American/Asian/Hispanic actors wasted gas, money, and energy to audition for this movie. I won’t even be surprised if the audition call mentioned “color blind”. Actually, they might have been behind the masks and under the costumes. You can get $150 a day for that role.

 

  1. You can develop a weapon that can destroy planets by sucking sun energy but it can be destroyed with a few small explosives that you put in 3 random points.

 

  1. You can’t save the world without looking good.

 

  1. You can be an insignificant soldier for the empire of the galaxy but, you can still know exactly what and where is the location to hit their 300 billion dollars’ weapon.

 

  1. They almost had a romance between a white girl and African American guy but they resisted the temptation.

 

  1. Adults can enjoy a movie with a childish plot as long as they see enough explosions and strange creatures.

 

  1. According to the reactions of the audience, not sure why they have a plot at all. All they have to do is to put some pictures of the old spaceship, the old robot and 2-3 old characters from the previous movies to make the audience cheer frantically.

 

  1. You can be captured by evil creatures that can kill you any second but still have a sense of humor – “so who talk first. Do I talk first, do you talk first…”

 

  1. If two men meet on a bridge on top of a scary abyss, one has to fall.

 

  1. They made sure the African American and the old guy will not be in the sequel.

 

Written by Nathan Amir.

 

Sentences you will not hear in the year 2037

 

  1. “I miss you” – you can’t miss someone when you can call/text/skype/WhatsApp/Facebook/twitter/Instagram/Snapchat with him any given moment of your existence. Another option is the time length required to miss someone will be shortened from 2 months to 3 minutes.

 

  1. “I would love to meet you in person” – why?

 

  1. “You can mail us at 123 X Dr.” – letters will be out at around 2024.

 

  1. “How do I get to …?” – GPS is God number 1.

 

  1. “Do you know the meaning of …?” – google is God number 2.

 

  1. “Where can I buy…? – Amazon is God number 3

 

 

  1. “Can I get your number…?” – phone numbers will disappear.  Connections will be done only via social media app.

 

  1. “Stay with us. We will be back after the commercial break” – Nobody will have the patience to wait for 3 minutes without switching a channel. Also since video on demand will replace all existing channels commercial breaks will be redundant.

 

  1. “Can I borrow a pen?” – Any writing material except keyboard will disappear from the world. Of course, keyboard will disappear as well but it will take 20-30 more years.

 

  1. “Your son has an amazing memory. He is such a great student” – In the google era good memory has no advantage. On the contrary, it takes energy from the brain that can be used to solve complicated problems. The sentence will be replaced by “Your son is using his memory for no apparent reason”

 

  1. “My dad is working in a factory” – The sentence will only be used by Chinese kids until the late 2060s. They will stop using it as well once robots will replace all man work. The sentence will be replaced by “My dad is working as a machine backup in a factory”.

 

  1. “Can you take a look under the hood?” – Nobody has any idea how the computerized engines work beside few engineers. The sentence will be replaced by “Do you want to buy this piece of junk?”

 

  1. “I sat with her in the classroom and I just knew she is the one for me” – Online learning will replace all physical classrooms. The only way to meet other students is by Skype. This sentence will be replaced by “She looked so cute on the screen so I just had to ask her out”.

 

  1. “He is so good in spelling” – With autocorrect text all you need to know is maybe 2 consonants and one vowel from each word. The natural ability to spell will not be needed and will be still required only in spelling bee competitions held in schools with 75 years old teachers that still think it is cool.

 

 

  1. “can I borrow your book?” – no papers, no books. The word borrow will not be used with the word book in the same sentence ever again.

 

  1. “Today is my grandparent’s golden anniversary” – five years long marriage will be rare let alone fifty. The sentence will be replaced by “My parents just celebrated their 3rd year of marriage!!!”

 

 

  1. “All please stand for a minute of silence” – Nobody will be able to stand still for one minute without talking/moving/texting. The only term which will be used will be a moment of silence and it will average between 5 and 15 seconds.

 

  1. “I had to stay long in the office” – remote connection will make offices useless. Even if you will work in an office there will be no reason to actually stay late since you can do the same work remotely. One less excuse for cheaters.

 

  1. “He was such a curious child. He broke everything to see how it works” – kind of tricky to put back together circuit boards.

 

  1. “Did you know his parents are divorced?!” – Divorce rate will be around 85% so the exception will be the kids to married couples. The sentence will be replaced by “Did you know his parents are married?!”

 

  1. “she has a fake boobs” – Most body parts will be replaced to last longer and look better. The sentence will be replaced by “I can’t understand why she s sticking to the same old boobs”