Why were you fired?

Sometimes I wish when a boss fires his employee he will tell him the true reason:

Boss: “I am sorry I have to let you go. I know you want to hear that it wasn’t my decision, but it was”

Employee: “But why? I am doing everything you want and more. I delivered all projects on time “

Boss: “It’s not about your work. You are a great employee and asset to the team. You just don’t have the right connections”

Employee: “What do you mean “the right connections”? I am in a good relationship with the other employees.”

Boss: “That doesn’t mean anything. You should have the right connections with your boss, my boss, HR and some other managers.”

Employee: “But I like to dedicate my time to the actual work”

Boss: “But that’s the actual work. You think it’s easy for me to suck my manager ass? It’s part of the job description. You can not fire someone who tells you a joke everyday and ask about your kids.”

Employee: “Well, I am sorry, I don’t have a good sense of humor.”

Boss: “We improved our HR interviews. We added a sense of humor condition. The candidate needs to tell at least one original joke. They also need to show how they flatter their manager in a way he doesn’t even notice.”

Employee: “I sacrificed my family life for this job. I didn’t even come to the team event in the baseball game because I had to work on the project.”

Boss: “Exactly. You didn’t come. We went to a bar, got drunk, we had so much fun. Do you think I can fire someone I got drunk with?”

Employee: “I just like to sit all day and do my job. I don’t like to waste my time.”

Boss: “Since when going to the kitchen and gossip is a waste of time? That’s where you build the foundation of the relationship web.”

Employee: “Relationship Web?”

Boss: “Yes. It’s like a web of connection. You know, like a spider. The bigger and stronger your web the more difficult it’s to fire you. I can’t fire someone who is a good friend of a manager who is my friend. It’s all about the web.”

Employee: “So, that’s all? Just like that? After 5 years?”

Boss: “5 years of boring time with you. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. Everyone was begging me to fire you. You are no fun. Take a rest. Work on your social skills. And remember, keeping your job is not easy, you need to have talent to build the web.”

Phone call.

Boss: “Yes, boss, what can I do for you?”

Boss of the Boss: “Hey, why didn’t you come to the football game? I was waiting for you in my office.”

Boss: “But I thought it was next Friday.”

Boss of the Boss: “Well, you thought wrong. I had to take John with me. He was the last one in the office.”

Boss(looks at the employee): “John??? He is sitting in front of me. I was just having the talk with him.”

Boss of the Boss: “The talk?”

Boss: “Yes, you know. Let him go.”

Boss of the Boss: “Are you kidding? I found out he is a fan of the same football team as I am. We went to the Bar after the game and got drunk. He is so much fun.”

Boss: “I didn’t know he is.”

Boss of the Boss: “Well, too bad. Come to my office, please. We need to have the talk. And let John know he takes your place. Fan of my football team is one I want to have close to me.”

One thought on “Why were you fired?

  1. Yep! That’s the point dude: you actually work for complete strangers. People want to go back to somo sort of tribal life. Just got this idea from the book Tribe by Sebastian Junger.

    Like

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