» John Boehner calls Ted Cruz an asshole. That is Planet earth’s new Exhibit A for the adage “It takes one to know one.”
» Matt Gaetz’s alleged girlfriends are so younger that Trump’s been boasting he’ll be courting them in ten years.
» Dr. Seuss, Mr. Potato Head, and Q haven’t gotten their $1,400 reduction funds but as a result of the Democrats are plotting towards them.
» Final weekend I found that the most effective Easter jelly beans are those that say “Merck” on them.
» Since Joe Biden grew to become his boss, Dr. Anthony Fauci has de-aged twenty years.
» Each downside that humanity has ever encountered all through historical past will be traced again to Bryce in Accounting.
» The sooner Republicans ram a invoice by the legislature and get it signed into regulation, the more severe it’s for his or her constituents.
» Larry Johnson is thiiiiis near releasing that damning Michelle Obama “whitey tape” that he first instructed us he had possession of in—[checks notes]—2008.
» You can be robotically charged $49.95 a month to belong in The Billy & Squirrely Pals Membership until you unclick the field.
Good luck discovering it.
And now, our function presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 8, 2021
Notice: I will be spending most of my day in my survival bunker as a result of at present’s date is 4-7-2-1 which sounds a lot an excessive amount of like a delusional madman counting down a nuclear launch. You’ll be able to’t be too cautious, of us. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Nationwide Pet Day: 3
Date by which all U.S. adults ought to be eligible for the Covid vaccine, two weeks forward of schedule: 4/19/21
Age of Congressman Alcee Hastings (D-FL) when he died this week of pancreatic most cancers: 84
Job openings in February (the most recent month obtainable), the best since knowledge was first tracked by the Labor Division in 2000: 7.4 million
Variety of voter fraud circumstances being investigated in Texas following the 2020 elections, the place over 11 million individuals voted: 17
P.c likelihood that when chief NRA ghoul Wayne LaPierre feels threatened, he reaches for a yacht instead of a gun: 100%
Age of Pong and the Atari 2600 house online game system as of subsequent 12 months: 50, 45
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Second:
Spring fever is taking a bizarre type this 12 months. Politicians say good issues for political causes after which revert with a vengeance—a form of political Tourette syndrome, they cannot assist what they are saying.
Tom DeLay, of all individuals, lately issued a fatwa on the necessity for good manners, an idea so weird there isn’t any applicable comparability. Let’s reserve it as a future simile: “… as bizarre because the time Tom DeLay gave us all a lecture on manners.”
In his new function because the Emily Submit of politics, DeLay knowledgeable us, “It’s unlucky in our electoral system, exacerbated by our adversarial media tradition, that political discourse has to get so overheated, that it is not simply arguments, however motives are questioned.” … This is able to be the identical Tom DeLay who mentioned, “Screw the Senate,” when he discovered Bob Dole had minimize a cope with Clinton to finish the federal government shutdown attributable to Newt Gingrich.
Pet Pic of the Day: Armadillo hunter training academy cadet…
CHEERS to pulling the set off on getting fewer triggers pulled. [Puts on kevlar cynicism vest] I don’t even faux anymore that Congress goes to get gun-control laws by each chambers in my lifetime. So meaning it is as much as the president to nibble on the edges with no matter government authority he can muster. So at present President Biden will nibblenounce his latest mustering-related program activities on the White Home:
Biden will direct the administration to start the method of requiring consumers of so-called ghost weapons—selfmade or makeshift firearms that lack serial numbers—to bear background checks, in keeping with three individuals who have spoken to the White Home concerning the plans. He’s anticipated to be joined on the occasion by Lawyer Basic Merrick Garland.
Different government actions stay unclear. However stakeholders have speculated that the president may announce laws on hid assault-style firearms; prohibitions on firearm purchases for these convicted of home violence towards their companions; and federal steering on house storage security measures.
One different announcement Biden may make on Thursday is the introduction of his nominee to be the director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, who will play a key function in any government department motion on weapons.
However on the intense aspect, let’s always remember: garden darts stay completely unlawful. Now them issues is harmful.
CHEERS and JEERS to creating cents (and likewise shedding a couple of). Being a world-renowned fauxconomist, I understand how straightforward it’s for my big brain-thumb to tip varied fiduciary scales all over the world. So I am going to merely keep impartial and provide this helpful abstract of the present local weather within the enterprise world with some traditional-media headlines we discovered whereas spinning across the internets. Warning—could be some minor whiplash forward:
> With stimulus money and jobs spike, U.S. emerges as fundamental engine for world financial restoration
> U.S. economic system rising at quickest tempo since 1984
> Jamie Dimon says financial growth may “simply” run into 2023
> Jamie Dimon sounds the alarm on the way forward for American prosperity
> PPP program might run out of cash earlier than Could 31 deadline
> Goal to take a position $2 billion in black-owned companies by 2025
> Samsung’s first 5G smartphone beneath $300 could possibly be game-changer
> Federal low-income housing grants double in measurement this 12 months
> Firms gave over $50 million to backers of voting restrictions
> Yellen requires minimal world company revenue tax
> GM publicizes new electrical Chevy Silverado that may go 400 miles
> Company America not anxious to rent former Trump cupboard officers, headhunters say
> Uncommon unique Superman comedian sells for document $3.25 million
And this simply in: apparently there’s a ketchup packet shortage in these United States. Thank god all of us have 500 of them that we have tossed within the cabinet “for later” over the past 20 years. Now we simply must work out which of them are nonetheless good. Trace: if you happen to open a ketchup packet and a tentacle comes out and grabs you by the throat…most likely not good.
CHEERS to a fantastic FLOTUS. Completely satisfied Birthday to the late Betty Ford on what could be her 103rd birthday. She gained fame in an period that many Individuals can vaguely keep in mind—particularly, a time when the GOP had a smattering of sophistication. However even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party’s side:
All through her husband’s time period in workplace, she maintained excessive approval rankings, although some on the far-right of her personal Republican Occasion strongly opposed her on extra liberal social points.
Betty Ford was famous for elevating breast most cancers consciousness along with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Modification.
Professional-choice on abortion and a pacesetter within the Girls’s Motion, she gained fame as one of the candid first women in historical past, commenting on each sizzling button problem of the time from intercourse to medicine.
Her most enduring legacy, after all, is the Betty Ford Heart. Sadly, the middle would not have a wing for sweet corn addicts like me. However I am glad to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop substitute remedy appears to be holding. Someday at a time.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to at present’s version of Will The Actual Matt Gaetz Please Stand Up?
Good Matt Gaetz: I am harmless and I do not want a pardon, thanks.
Bad Matt Gaetz: I am responsible and wish a pardon, pleeeease!!!
This has been at present’s version of Will The Actual Matt Gaetz Please Stand Up?
CHEERS to talking above a whisper. The Masters golf match—one of many PGA’s 4 majors—begins at present in Georgia. It is an occasion that is unimaginable to maneuver to a different state as a result of, not like the Main League All-Star Recreation that may go anyplace, the Masters and Augusta Nationwide are one and the identical. However whereas gamers have largely gone silent up to now on political points, this 12 months some of the big dogs are letting Republicans know that Georgia’s voter suppression regulation is a giant shank into the Eisenhower Tree ricocheting right into a bunker:
“I’ve to be respectful and considerably cautious what I say as a result of I am not a citizen of this nation, however I definitely suppose all nice nations and democracies are constructed on equal voting rights and everybody having the ability to get to the poll packing containers as simply as attainable,” four-time main winner Rory McIlroy instructed reporters on Tuesday. […] I am all for individuals having the ability to have the precise to vote and to have the ability to do it within the easiest method attainable.”
Cameron Champ, one in all golf’s brightest prospects and two-time winner on the Tour, says the brand new regulation is “surprising” and “irritating.” “As you possibly can inform, it actually targets sure Black communities and makes it tougher to vote, which to me it is everybody’s proper to vote,” he mentioned.
On the identical time, don’t count on far more than that. The PGA Tour is rife with a number of the most ignorant Republicans on the planet—buff white dudes who care much more about the place their balls go than what the federal government is doing. Or as family-values Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene calls it: my dream date once I’m dishonest on my husband.
Ten years in the past in C&J: April 8, 2011
JEERS to getting Fukushima’d once more. Oh, nice, simply what of us in northern Japan wanted—a 7.1 earthquake shook ‘em up once more yesterday. Luckily the tsunami warning was rapidly canceled, however figuring out the harm will take awhile—three lifeless and scores injured, that a lot we all know. In the meantime, the radioactive water on the Whoopsie-daiichi nuclear plant might or might not (who are you able to consider nowadays?) have stopped leaking into the ocean, however specialists say there’s nothing to fear:
Very near the nuclear plant sea creatures could be at risk of issues like genetic mutations if the dumping goes on a very long time, he mentioned. However there should not be any severe hazard farther away.”
However simply to be protected, Prime Minister Kan prolonged his nation’s safety contract with Ultraman.
And only one extra…
CHEERS to Kodak moments. If Ronald Reagan’s or Donald Trump’s presidential photographer had ever gotten a shot like this, it could be framed and hanging on each Republican’s lounge wall as a totally-real instance of their divine awesomeness. As a substitute, a distinct president’s photographer (the nice Pete Souza) snapped it five years ago this week, and Republicans misplaced their collective shit. Within the hopes that it’d make them chew by a couple of extra inches of sheet steel of their survival bunkers, right here’s a replay for nostalgia’s sake:
And, against this, right here’s his one-term successor:
Mom Nature. Positively a Democrat.
Have a pleasant Thursday. Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about at present?
In the present day’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“My warning, if you’ll, to company America, is to remain out of kiddie swimming pools. It’s not what you have been designed for. I’m not speaking about Cheers and Jeers.”